to blog or not to blog

not that i wanted to remain anonymous forever. but i didn't want to compromise my privacy either. so, there goes the conflict - i want to but i don't want to. based on what i am reading right now, "critical pedagogy" by joan wink, this is what you call a dialectic, wherein you try to acknowledge the opposing views and try to unravel the whats and whys of each. tension-filled it may be, learning is nevertheless ongoing.

which is why i have a blogspot.

i have always kept a journal. i have several diaries at home that documented my high school, college, and law school years. most of them were actually accounts of whether i saw my crush on that particular day, what clothes he was wearing, or whether or not he looked my way, or whether he acknowledged the fact that i exist. sometimes, i would also talk about my frustrations, my angst, my desperations, my broken heart, my regrets, my failures, and my taste of success. these ramblings, thoughts, and desires were written down on paper and i tried to hide it away from prying eyes, especially that of my sister and mother, who were constantly inside my room. (well, they're my best friends in the entire world and we share a lot of secrets and we engage in a lot of chats - spirited or otherwise - and we always connect in more ways than one. it's more than consanguinity or even affinity. i think it's because my mother has always treated us as friends.) and that is why if there's one thing that i really kept only to myself, it would have to be my thoughts jotted down on paper. they were all mine to see and re-read from time to time.

keeping a diary is like confiding to someone all your deepest, darkest secrets without a care from its end that you are going to be judged. it's just there. a repository of thoughts. no critique, no feedback. passive. harmless. but, of course, i cannot deny the fact that i was at some point paranoid about diary-napping! what if someone stole it? what if my mother and sister reads it? gosh! the embarrassment! well, that's how i viewed it then. it's like being stripped naked! that is why when i first came out with my online blog, i likened it to me having to strip before a vast audience - the world. and i asked myself? am i ready? am i willing to be subjected to judgment? will i be receptive to critique and feedback? can i accept it?

which is why i have this "dialectic," so to speak. at the other end of the spectrum, there's the me that wants to be a part of this global village and join in its community. and how i love it here! ideas, thoughts, dreams are everywhere! i love reading about other people's stories and adventures. sometimes i can relate, sometimes i am introduced to new things. it's exhilarating! i cannot contain myself and i just had to say a word or two myself. and then it became sentences. then paragraphs. and, then an entire composition. awesome but a little scary at first. but, like a little child i am slowly but surely finding my way in this vast world. it's also empowering to know that i have a voice here. and that one way or the other i can be heard and my words will hopefully echo somewhere far away.

but, the conflict is not yet resolved. that's why i had to hide under the name "geisha incarnate." for some weird reason, i am drawn to the concept of a geisha. i think they are intelligent, creative, artistic, determined, loyal, and powerful. and, yet they project innocence, fragility, and vulnerability. i guess, in more ways than one, i'd like to believe i'm like them. only freer and not bound to any danna or an okiya.

compromise. that's what i am doing now. giving in to the demands of both sides - little by little. and it's a work in progress. i am actually getting to know a lot about me because of this. and i relish it.

in the meantime, my corner is not yet discovered and it's a thrill knowing that someday soon, someone will stumble upon my thoughts. i welcome exchange of ideas. and i believe i am ready for feedback.

so, dear Net wanderer, welcome to my spot. feel free to leave your mark.:)

i've had one too many but i just can't seem to stop myself! i don't just crave, i DESIRE!there's that innate longing for anything that can satisfy my tastebuds and in my search for the best, i pride myself in going through the forest, so to speak, searching high and low, no matter how far, no matter how tedious. yes, when i am on the prowl for the best...i leave no stone unturned. or, ensaymada for that matter.

yup! i finally concluded my search for the best ensaymada in this part of the country. i have a sweet tooth and i have a penchant for anything unique. so when i accidentally came across "perfect ending's" dulcemada- wow - this ensaymada just blew me away!and it wasn't just me! wewin, my honey, truly loved it!we went to his friend's birthday party and there was this pale blue box being passed around. no one was really minding it at first then i distinctly remembered having the privilege of discovering the wonders that beheld such an unassuming box. it looked as if it was just another ensaymada. it looked "cute."not your usual big-sized ensaymada. looked like teacakes to me at first. when i removed the plastic cover i was delighted to see almond chips scattered on top of it!it looked so dainty in my hands. but nothing prepared me for that first bite. as i sank it in between my teeth, my senses were jolted into what could have the sweetest surprise of all! caramel! then, my mouth just went nuts! then i had another one..and another one. not long after, everybody on the table was a convert. and surprisingly, most of the guys really loved it and some even pocketed one or two for take-out!

well, i tried the other ensaymadas around and they each have their own unique qualities. but at the end of the day, all you can just think about is the ensaymada that you would want to eat over and over again. something that you would still look forward to even if you had to order it at least a day before. even if you had to travel the distance just to pick it up from its bakery. even if the one who took your order bungled so bad the first time you vowed not to order anymore. thank God i didn't have to do that because the owner herself called me up and went to my office to apologize and deliver my order..much to my sheer delight! not only that..she also gave me an extra - a marjolaine! yumyum! what do you know? sweetness personified.:)

until i find something better..."perfect endings" is it for me! hmm..i think i should order soon. :)

sometimes you wish life is just a grand vacation.no worries, no stress, no pressures, no deadlines, no bosses.how you wish you can just wake up anytime you want, eat and drink at your convenience, dress however you like, not watching how you guffaw or make inappropriate gestures without a care in the world, twirl, jump, play, and mess up your room!sigh. just like when you were a child and you were still unexposed to the rigid and conventional life of an adult, that is, always having to conform to norms. what was it that was robbed from us? our innocence? our childlike qualities? our lack of manners?

hard, yes. but as you grow old, things change. even the way you saw things before.they all change. you try to assess and reassess and reflect and at the end-trail of your thoughts, you wonder what was it you actually thought about. you go to the process of evaluating and assessing and justifying things that you end up not appreciating things just for the way it was. sometimes, things are just best felt and experienced. period. no what-ifs and buts. simple. uncomplicated.which life should be after all.

sigh. i am old and i miss being a child. at times, i just want to go home and be with my mother and father. just want to spend time with them. i want to be cuddled, my hair stroked, my parents telling me stories, my mother singing me lullabies, and just be an obnoxious sister to my brothers and sister.how time flies. and i am now turning 33.

on the other hand, as an adult i have to face my responsibilities. i have to work, pay my rent and all expenses, and save for my wedding. the last item i have been trying to do for the last year but in vain. at night, i would resolve not to get married anymore.the prospect of having a family is even worse thinking about! with the rising cost of living, i have to think whether or not i am responsible enough to bring someone into this world. will my child be raised well? and i still think about these things as i turn 33.

i am paranoid 'cause i want everything to be perfect. but there is no such thing as perfect. and i am only at odds with myself.

how i wish i do not think as much and how i wish i do as much.