whether my trip to the US did me good is something that i still have to ask my family and friends. if you're a typical filipino, you would always yearn to go to the States. it represents something far-fetched, a dream, a world of opportunity, a "pot of gold" at the end of the rainbow. no typical filipino can be faulted for aspiring to go there at least once. some for vacation, perhaps, but mostly for work and the chance to earn dollars. i am not most so i went there for a vacation. still, i couldn't help but think of the vast opportunities that awaited my fate. once you're there, you cannot help but be lured by the lifestyle of the filipino nurses earning as much as $60 per hour for a 12-hour workday. some would even extend up to 16 hours a day! which does not leave pretty much time for leisure but in return you get your own house and car...and more! the disparity is indeed glaring. for an 8-hour workshift in philippine hospitals, you only get paid around Php 400-500 a day or roughly $9-10! if you further break it down into pesos per hour it's somewhere aroung Php60-70 per hour or a measly $1 point-something dollar per hour! see the discrepancy? so, economically, it's really a viable place to work your butt off in the US. same time, same effort, loads of cash!

but, as the saying goes, you win some, you lose some. the stakes are high, though, in exchange for the good life. you are uprooted from everything you have called home for half of your life. you will have to start everything anew from looking for a place to stay, meeting new friends, and trying to survive in a place where you are sometimes looked upon as an "intruder." can't blame them. you are an alien in their own country yet you earn more and gets hold of the higher position. it also doesn't help that you are just around 5 feet tall and has brown skin.

i returned home with dreams of working in the States one day. perhaps as a teacher. who knows? but after a month and a half of vacation, i just couldn't help but look forward to going home. i am glad i went there and saw how things work and go. i am glad i met my long-lost friends. i am glad i got to see different sights and been to places i've never imagined i could be in! it was fun. but it's just not home.

i have baffling thoughts these past few days. i was so bored i almost cried one night not knowing what to do! i hurriedly demanded that wewin go back to iloilo. it was a desperate and frustrating attempt because while here i am just nagging and looking for things to do, there he was busy with his commitments and working. for the nth time in my life, idleness is upon me once again.

this constant searching of who i really am and what i want in life still leaves me with no coherent answer. i can still recall sister yasa from dlsu asking me, "what is your passion?" for some it is an easy answer. for me, just confusion and indecision.

i felt i was destined for far greater things, oftentimes incomprehensible to everyone. i run here and there. i want to try this and try that! novelty excites me! traveling to new places and learning about new cultures piques my interest! i love sitting down in a corner and just read! i love spending time with people! oh, and i just love hunting for the best desserts in town! i also like taking photos especially when i am in it and i love creating things out of it! obviously i love expressing my thoughts and dreams to people! i am mushy and easily pleased! if wewin were to give me chowking's pork siomai with nai cha as a gift, i'd be most thrilled! i like playing with my niece, cloie, and enjoy singing nursery rhymes for her! i love baking and cooking! i can't wait for my next belly-dancing workout! did i mention that i am a sucker for body lotions, moisturizers, sunblock protection, lip gloss, and hair products? don't you just feel pampered going to the salon and have your nails done or going to the spa for a hard body massage? so, what's wrong with this picture?

in the movie batman featuring katie holmes as the lady interest of bruce wayne, she made this mind-reeling statement, "it is what you do that defines you." i literally stopped mid-air and with my mouth open, my mind flickered on and off wondering if that statement was a sign from heaven and really intended for me. so i asked myself, "what is it that you do jorvy that can define you?" and i said, "nothing."

and the baffling thoughts wouldn't stop as well as the still desperate and frustrating attempts to make wewin come home.