pretty soon i'll be single no more. it's an overwhelming feeling to be finally saying goodbye to thirty three years of being able to speak your mind on a lot of things. not that i will stop. me? never! life is full of things to discover and share with the persons you love and care about or even to the world! i will always have this space, this corner, my repository of thoughts and feelings.

i can't help but wonder, though, will i be limited to stories of wifehood and motherhood the moment i cross the threshold of married life? what will happen to the jorvy of today? the one who talks about chocolate cakes and body massages; who can rave and rant about the latest novelty finds; who endlessly talks about being in love; who stays in front of the computer for hours just to share views with others; who sings, plays the guitar and the piano; who fusses over little things; who reads books; who still aspires to work in an international organization; who still dreams of becoming an actress; who plans on going to trips all over the world?

how will this impending change affect her?

will i then be talking about waking up in the wee hours of the morning to feed the baby? changing diapers and looking for the best baby products? talking about my quest into finding the perfect cerelac flavor? or, perhaps talking about what color is best suited for our baby's room, the one that can match all his/her clothing? or, maybe i will talk about the travails of being a wife and how a nag i can be! perhaps i will also rant about my disappearing waistline and how ugly and "losyang" (unkempt; no finesse?unglamorous?) i would feel.

another chapter is about to close and a new one will open.

the scales are now slowly tipping over for marital life. it's just a matter of weeks now.

whoa. mrs. antonio a. espinosa, jr. will this new name make me less of a jorvelyn p. jaruda?

or, will i mutate into someone else? someone i don't have the privilege to get to know yet.

only one way to find out!

will have to walk down the aisle and leaf through the new chapter of my life.

ahh, such truth in the adage: the only thing that remains constant is indeed, change.

LIBRA - The Lame One.
Nice to everyone they meet. Their Love is one of a kind. Silly, fun and sweet. Has own unique appeal. Most caring person you will ever meet! However not the kind of person you wanna mess with...you might end up crying.

whether my trip to the US did me good is something that i still have to ask my family and friends. if you're a typical filipino, you would always yearn to go to the States. it represents something far-fetched, a dream, a world of opportunity, a "pot of gold" at the end of the rainbow. no typical filipino can be faulted for aspiring to go there at least once. some for vacation, perhaps, but mostly for work and the chance to earn dollars. i am not most so i went there for a vacation. still, i couldn't help but think of the vast opportunities that awaited my fate. once you're there, you cannot help but be lured by the lifestyle of the filipino nurses earning as much as $60 per hour for a 12-hour workday. some would even extend up to 16 hours a day! which does not leave pretty much time for leisure but in return you get your own house and car...and more! the disparity is indeed glaring. for an 8-hour workshift in philippine hospitals, you only get paid around Php 400-500 a day or roughly $9-10! if you further break it down into pesos per hour it's somewhere aroung Php60-70 per hour or a measly $1 point-something dollar per hour! see the discrepancy? so, economically, it's really a viable place to work your butt off in the US. same time, same effort, loads of cash!

but, as the saying goes, you win some, you lose some. the stakes are high, though, in exchange for the good life. you are uprooted from everything you have called home for half of your life. you will have to start everything anew from looking for a place to stay, meeting new friends, and trying to survive in a place where you are sometimes looked upon as an "intruder." can't blame them. you are an alien in their own country yet you earn more and gets hold of the higher position. it also doesn't help that you are just around 5 feet tall and has brown skin.

i returned home with dreams of working in the States one day. perhaps as a teacher. who knows? but after a month and a half of vacation, i just couldn't help but look forward to going home. i am glad i went there and saw how things work and go. i am glad i met my long-lost friends. i am glad i got to see different sights and been to places i've never imagined i could be in! it was fun. but it's just not home.

i have baffling thoughts these past few days. i was so bored i almost cried one night not knowing what to do! i hurriedly demanded that wewin go back to iloilo. it was a desperate and frustrating attempt because while here i am just nagging and looking for things to do, there he was busy with his commitments and working. for the nth time in my life, idleness is upon me once again.

this constant searching of who i really am and what i want in life still leaves me with no coherent answer. i can still recall sister yasa from dlsu asking me, "what is your passion?" for some it is an easy answer. for me, just confusion and indecision.

i felt i was destined for far greater things, oftentimes incomprehensible to everyone. i run here and there. i want to try this and try that! novelty excites me! traveling to new places and learning about new cultures piques my interest! i love sitting down in a corner and just read! i love spending time with people! oh, and i just love hunting for the best desserts in town! i also like taking photos especially when i am in it and i love creating things out of it! obviously i love expressing my thoughts and dreams to people! i am mushy and easily pleased! if wewin were to give me chowking's pork siomai with nai cha as a gift, i'd be most thrilled! i like playing with my niece, cloie, and enjoy singing nursery rhymes for her! i love baking and cooking! i can't wait for my next belly-dancing workout! did i mention that i am a sucker for body lotions, moisturizers, sunblock protection, lip gloss, and hair products? don't you just feel pampered going to the salon and have your nails done or going to the spa for a hard body massage? so, what's wrong with this picture?

in the movie batman featuring katie holmes as the lady interest of bruce wayne, she made this mind-reeling statement, "it is what you do that defines you." i literally stopped mid-air and with my mouth open, my mind flickered on and off wondering if that statement was a sign from heaven and really intended for me. so i asked myself, "what is it that you do jorvy that can define you?" and i said, "nothing."

and the baffling thoughts wouldn't stop as well as the still desperate and frustrating attempts to make wewin come home.

to blog or not to blog

not that i wanted to remain anonymous forever. but i didn't want to compromise my privacy either. so, there goes the conflict - i want to but i don't want to. based on what i am reading right now, "critical pedagogy" by joan wink, this is what you call a dialectic, wherein you try to acknowledge the opposing views and try to unravel the whats and whys of each. tension-filled it may be, learning is nevertheless ongoing.

which is why i have a blogspot.

i have always kept a journal. i have several diaries at home that documented my high school, college, and law school years. most of them were actually accounts of whether i saw my crush on that particular day, what clothes he was wearing, or whether or not he looked my way, or whether he acknowledged the fact that i exist. sometimes, i would also talk about my frustrations, my angst, my desperations, my broken heart, my regrets, my failures, and my taste of success. these ramblings, thoughts, and desires were written down on paper and i tried to hide it away from prying eyes, especially that of my sister and mother, who were constantly inside my room. (well, they're my best friends in the entire world and we share a lot of secrets and we engage in a lot of chats - spirited or otherwise - and we always connect in more ways than one. it's more than consanguinity or even affinity. i think it's because my mother has always treated us as friends.) and that is why if there's one thing that i really kept only to myself, it would have to be my thoughts jotted down on paper. they were all mine to see and re-read from time to time.

keeping a diary is like confiding to someone all your deepest, darkest secrets without a care from its end that you are going to be judged. it's just there. a repository of thoughts. no critique, no feedback. passive. harmless. but, of course, i cannot deny the fact that i was at some point paranoid about diary-napping! what if someone stole it? what if my mother and sister reads it? gosh! the embarrassment! well, that's how i viewed it then. it's like being stripped naked! that is why when i first came out with my online blog, i likened it to me having to strip before a vast audience - the world. and i asked myself? am i ready? am i willing to be subjected to judgment? will i be receptive to critique and feedback? can i accept it?

which is why i have this "dialectic," so to speak. at the other end of the spectrum, there's the me that wants to be a part of this global village and join in its community. and how i love it here! ideas, thoughts, dreams are everywhere! i love reading about other people's stories and adventures. sometimes i can relate, sometimes i am introduced to new things. it's exhilarating! i cannot contain myself and i just had to say a word or two myself. and then it became sentences. then paragraphs. and, then an entire composition. awesome but a little scary at first. but, like a little child i am slowly but surely finding my way in this vast world. it's also empowering to know that i have a voice here. and that one way or the other i can be heard and my words will hopefully echo somewhere far away.

but, the conflict is not yet resolved. that's why i had to hide under the name "geisha incarnate." for some weird reason, i am drawn to the concept of a geisha. i think they are intelligent, creative, artistic, determined, loyal, and powerful. and, yet they project innocence, fragility, and vulnerability. i guess, in more ways than one, i'd like to believe i'm like them. only freer and not bound to any danna or an okiya.

compromise. that's what i am doing now. giving in to the demands of both sides - little by little. and it's a work in progress. i am actually getting to know a lot about me because of this. and i relish it.

in the meantime, my corner is not yet discovered and it's a thrill knowing that someday soon, someone will stumble upon my thoughts. i welcome exchange of ideas. and i believe i am ready for feedback.

so, dear Net wanderer, welcome to my spot. feel free to leave your mark.:)