to blog or not to blog

not that i wanted to remain anonymous forever. but i didn't want to compromise my privacy either. so, there goes the conflict - i want to but i don't want to. based on what i am reading right now, "critical pedagogy" by joan wink, this is what you call a dialectic, wherein you try to acknowledge the opposing views and try to unravel the whats and whys of each. tension-filled it may be, learning is nevertheless ongoing.

which is why i have a blogspot.

i have always kept a journal. i have several diaries at home that documented my high school, college, and law school years. most of them were actually accounts of whether i saw my crush on that particular day, what clothes he was wearing, or whether or not he looked my way, or whether he acknowledged the fact that i exist. sometimes, i would also talk about my frustrations, my angst, my desperations, my broken heart, my regrets, my failures, and my taste of success. these ramblings, thoughts, and desires were written down on paper and i tried to hide it away from prying eyes, especially that of my sister and mother, who were constantly inside my room. (well, they're my best friends in the entire world and we share a lot of secrets and we engage in a lot of chats - spirited or otherwise - and we always connect in more ways than one. it's more than consanguinity or even affinity. i think it's because my mother has always treated us as friends.) and that is why if there's one thing that i really kept only to myself, it would have to be my thoughts jotted down on paper. they were all mine to see and re-read from time to time.

keeping a diary is like confiding to someone all your deepest, darkest secrets without a care from its end that you are going to be judged. it's just there. a repository of thoughts. no critique, no feedback. passive. harmless. but, of course, i cannot deny the fact that i was at some point paranoid about diary-napping! what if someone stole it? what if my mother and sister reads it? gosh! the embarrassment! well, that's how i viewed it then. it's like being stripped naked! that is why when i first came out with my online blog, i likened it to me having to strip before a vast audience - the world. and i asked myself? am i ready? am i willing to be subjected to judgment? will i be receptive to critique and feedback? can i accept it?

which is why i have this "dialectic," so to speak. at the other end of the spectrum, there's the me that wants to be a part of this global village and join in its community. and how i love it here! ideas, thoughts, dreams are everywhere! i love reading about other people's stories and adventures. sometimes i can relate, sometimes i am introduced to new things. it's exhilarating! i cannot contain myself and i just had to say a word or two myself. and then it became sentences. then paragraphs. and, then an entire composition. awesome but a little scary at first. but, like a little child i am slowly but surely finding my way in this vast world. it's also empowering to know that i have a voice here. and that one way or the other i can be heard and my words will hopefully echo somewhere far away.

but, the conflict is not yet resolved. that's why i had to hide under the name "geisha incarnate." for some weird reason, i am drawn to the concept of a geisha. i think they are intelligent, creative, artistic, determined, loyal, and powerful. and, yet they project innocence, fragility, and vulnerability. i guess, in more ways than one, i'd like to believe i'm like them. only freer and not bound to any danna or an okiya.

compromise. that's what i am doing now. giving in to the demands of both sides - little by little. and it's a work in progress. i am actually getting to know a lot about me because of this. and i relish it.

in the meantime, my corner is not yet discovered and it's a thrill knowing that someday soon, someone will stumble upon my thoughts. i welcome exchange of ideas. and i believe i am ready for feedback.

so, dear Net wanderer, welcome to my spot. feel free to leave your mark.:)